#i start losing feeling in my hands
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Listen, in -6°C I can grab another person and sap their body heat like some sort of thermal vampire, but it doesn't work in reverse.
Nothing fixes 35°C you just sweat till you die.
#saying this as someone who grew up and lives in a place where we dont even have frost on winter mornings#it regularly gets to 35 inside my fucking house#i cant really handle the cold at all#i stop being able to warm my own body at about 10°C#but i would prefer to pack coke bottles full of hot water around my whole body than have to sit in the fucking heat#i sweat so fucking much in summer that if i dont keep on top of my electrolites#i start losing feeling in my hands#because if you have zero magnesium your nerves stop being able to send signals#id rather look like a tottering marshmallow covered in 18 layers of clothing than sit in a pool of my own sweat#for 4 months of the year i cant cuddle my cats!!!#busbus gets NO extended cuddles and his life depends on being the little spoon#summer is a crime against humanity and i vote for a permanent winter#kill the fucking sun
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i have no witty caption i love ths show
#venture bros#the venture brothers#vbros#pete white#brock samson#rusty venture#thaddeus venture#admin draws#fanart#i feel like my tags have been sparse lately so. coughgs#listen i feel like my feelings are well encompassed here#i finished s4 and have been thinking about assisted suicide ep a lot#thinking about little rusty a lot too and how much i wanna kill jonas with my bare hands#and how much i like the college ep its probably my s1 favorite. also pete's hot.#its sooo tragic how the moment rusty got to define himself he started losing hair jkfdgjskgsnhnkh#generous with his hairline here compared to what its like in the episode
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heeyyy gaaanggg
the pose and the background of the album version (left) are based on oingo boingos only a lad album art. not cause i think he has anything to do with it but just cause ive been wantin to draw that pose for like. weeks and i didnt know who to put there. so why not my latest bug man.
#my art#digital art#digital painting#fanart#resident evil 7#ethan winters#goddd PLEAAASEEEE#i havent known if i was gonna post this or not multiple times in the process of drawin this. but ultimately i spent too much time on it to#NOT post it. embarrassment be damned#but at the same time what am i even doin yknow. what is this what is goin on pleaaseee PLEASEEEEE#I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RESIDENT EVIL!!! I DONT KNOW N O T H I NG I KNOW LESS THAN NOTHING#HOW?? HOW DID I GET HERE??? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN???? i know exactly the answer to all those questions but it still boggles me how fast this#happened. usually it takes WEEKS if not MONTHS for me to start makin fanart. this was faaasttttt TOO FAST and im like. genuinely constantly#thinkin about this game. im ALWAYS thinkin about this game. part of why this took me so long to do is cause i always wanna play re7 or thin#about re7 in a strange and deranged way. ive actually genuinely been SICK WHAT HAPPENEDDDDDD#im losing it!! anyways this took me a looonggg ass time and i redrew it soo many timmmessss#i did like. 3 lineart passes. the album version i did 3 shading passes. i really struggled!! and ultimately i dont know how i feel about it#like i kinda resent it. for takin so long and makin me suffer so much#never again. never again will i spend that much time on a drawing. i HATE when drawins take a long time. i HATE that. it makes me madddd#ive been insane. ive been so insane. and im not gettin better like i cant sleep sometimes cause im thinkin about this game and this guy and#that gal like i think about them!! so! so much!! oh my god!!#in the time it took me to finish this ive done like 10 sketches for other pieces like. and ive had like 3 ideas ive written down.#and like 50 that i havent written or sketched.#IVE WRITTEN POETRY!! P O E T R Y !!!#i write the occasional poem when im feelin some kinda profound emotion but i NEVER write poetry about media SOBBING#anyways thats the post i think this is the beginnin of the end so lets hold hands and pray. ugh sorry if i get sick. im shakin.
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↠ Tim & Lucy ↳ 2x10 - The Dark Side
#chenford#chenfordedit#the rookie#therookieedit#tim x lucy#jesuis-assez edits: chenford season 2#jesuis-assez edits: chenford#jesuis-assez edits: chenford scenes 2x10#I really didn't want to gif a single frame of Caleb. But I did want to gif this scene. So sacrifices had to be made 🤣#Absolute INSANE behavior Tim. INSANE! and yet justified given how much of a piece of sh-- Caleb turned out to be. He had creepy vibes#from the get go. It's interesting how Tim said that Lucy hesitated with Caleb.#The only hesitancy (and frustration) I detect is this conversation taking place while Tim is there and Lucy being very aware of that.#And Tim at the end handing her the paper. Lucy observing how he's acting and how quickly he shifted into protective mode. Tim standing#there with a part of him not feeling right about this whole thing & later projecting that as Lucy being the one who didn't.#He was overwhelmed by his guilt and in such anguish. Just falling apart at the thought of losing her because he gave her advice#as a friend and not as her training officer. Something awful happening to someone else. To Lucy... collecting more guilt#and piling it on top of all the other times that happened. That someone suffered because of 'his actions'#Neither Tim or Lucy saw this sadistic monster coming. And Tim may not have suspected him...#But there was something about Caleb and that interaction that had Tim stepping into that role of the fierce protector.#And Tim isn't only emitting protective energy here...🟢 * Puts a green circle there and doesn't elaborate * Yaass queen give us nothing 🤣#The green circle of jealousy and Tim is standing inside of it.#But he's also coming across as distrustful of Caleb's intentions which is not alarming as they're in the midst of the chaos#surrounding a serial killer. It's rather expected to be that way. It's how Tim said he should've known. He should've suspected him.#He's a cop. And yet he started interrogating like a cop would & as if he were a suspect. Asking for a last name. What he does for a living.#He behaved in that way for a reason. So something definitely felt off but the need to be Lucy's friend in that moment#that he encouraged her to go out with him came before his instinct to be a cop or even her T.O .#In other words... He prioritized Lucy and what he thought she needed. He shifted the focus from the case onto her by#suggesting she focus on something else. And when she was taken... that focus on her became heightened by the gravity of the situation.#+ The EYE CONTACT. Tim & Lucy having their own private moment. The silent communication between them while Caleb rambles on#in the background about something unimportant. I have so much more to say but I've reached my tag limit 🤣*whispers with feeling* f**k..
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banging my head against the wall every time I see someone reblogging a post of mine with tags mentioning the ‘unrequited confession’. we have been OVER this it is NOT a case of unrequited romantic love it is completely canonically up in the air as a possibility. listen to jayden revri himself and be enlightened i am begging you
#rambling#payneland#also getting recommended posts with this rhetoric fhdhfjdhd it’s just annoying cause it’s like. misinformation#if that scene was actually a rejection I’d feel a lot worse about this show as a whole like really it Matters that it’s not#do you really think Superhell 2: Escape From Superhell would be a good idea. because I feel like they’re actively trying to counter those#kinds of damaging or at least exhausting and overdone queer tropes#tragic unrequited gay boy hopelessly in love with his best friend suffering forever because he’s gay#is. exactly the kind of exhausting overdone queer trope that almost unequivocally makes me lose a lot of respect for a show#so it is very very very important to me that this is. not that. and the actors have cemented that fact openly#please………..please just listen to the words being said………don’t conflate uncertainty with rejection……..take my hand#that’s not to say edwin didn’t TAKE it as a rejection. because based on what he says to niko he absolutely did#which will make it all the more juicy when what he thinks is impossible starts to become real and within reach. eventually. hopefully#also- less explicit- but Charles’ hand-on-heart thing after their last hug… like you really don’t have to be a film major#(saying this as a film major) to deduce what that means and what its calling back to. it’s pretty easy to put 2+2 together there#but anyway. I digress
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(I am still in love with you, can't admit it yet)
#throws this out into the wild n then immediately goes to bed#top 20 edizzy songs of all time (there are so many edizzy songs out there)#this came up on my shuffle and i just. had to make a stupid little edit. it makes me think about them every single time#see also: 'Im not ready to see you this happy'#(the song is 'good arms vs bad arms' by frightened rabbit if you dont wanna click the link!)#nyxtalks#ofmd#our flag means death#izzy hands#israel hands#stede bonnet#edward teach#(in spirit. he may not be pictured in this post but his presence is undeniable)#edizzy#blackhands#edit#i tried messing around w the colours n lighting etc for this one! i am not sure i really succeeded but it is important to mess around#and see what things do#hopefully its not awful. also on other monitors ghbfjkd#colours lose all meaning pretty quick i find. like yeah this looks great! (hides filter) oh no. its all wonky#skin colour is so hard to keep right i found. n these images are Not lighted for it either#but it was fun! feel free 2 think its bad though thats fair#gotta start somewhere!
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OC again gomen ... (her name is Yuma)
#my characters#she was (shocking to no one) a side character in a plot from forever ago and while i fleshed out her bg a LOT#she never got her own actual story ? the plot she was in had a lot of characters so her and her best friend myo were like... cameos#in other character arcs rip to she having her own#basically she had light powers and had a kind of whispy clear happy look (top)#and then the big bad guy corrupted her and she got dark powers#so myo and her start to think she is sick and then big bad shows up and tells myo that if he wants to help yuma - hed help#so he manipulates the two into working for the bad guys who id like to point out! think they're the good guys#so yuma keeps having cloudy and foggy memories and nightmares and she doesnt understand whats going on with her#and she tells myo who hasnt clued in yet and he tells her shes fine and shes too nice to do what she feels guilty for#and then after its all kinda said and done and the big bad dies the corruption disappears bc he was the one causing it#and at that point myo knows the horrible things hes kind of helped yuma do and the actual things yuma has done#and he goes to rem who a lot of people avoid since rem has mind reading and memory manipulation powers#and he asks if rem can help yuma forget everything bad#and rem - who is the unfortunate right hand of the big bad who feels so much guilt for everything he has done -#asks him if its what yuma wants cause it isnt his place to change it without her consent as well#bc rem was actually the one that yuma interacted with most outside of myo#but as far as actual plots and arcs rem was more important ? common? idk ? as a focus#so despite yuma having a lot of established background and drama she never had her own ... thing#but as the dark corruption gets to her she loses the clear stream vibes and is like an oozing oil spill#and it kinda festers into her becoming like an eldritch monster type being from the grief and guilt her conscious has#while polluted by darkness sooooo#she just kinda becomes a monster in the background of the plot its fine she gets better#and that was storytime in the tags bye
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Pretty proud of how far I’ve come this year
#I have struggled with crippling anxiety for a long time and this year I really wanted to overcome it and become more independent#like#I used to be absolutely terrified of leaving the house#things like driving and going places alone would make me have crazy panic attacks#but this year I’ve done a lot and I’ve overcome a lot and gained so much confidence#I’ve flown across the country twice this year#driven on some pretty intimidating roads like the highway and freeway#gone on solo bike rides for miles through the woods#eaten tons of new foods#I know those sorts of things might seem very simple and normal everyday things#but I have ocd and it can make my anxiety pretty bad#it can also make a lot of my fears rather irrational#likes like trying new foods and going new places are genuinely intimidating for me#bc it makes me feel like I’m going to die lol#but I’ve done ALOT of things I was scared to do#I’ve come along way#and it may seem like boring basic stuff to some people#but considering I couldn’t leave my house two years ago without panicking to the point of losing feeling in my hands and feet#I think I did pretty good lol#I’m starting to feel like a confident person again#I’m starting to feel like I can LIVE again#and it’s pretty nice#just wanted to write this out somewhere lol that’s all#maybe it will be helpful for anyone struggling in similar ways#to see that improvement is possible#lol anyways happy November#mae rambles
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no piece of media will make me feel the same way oneshot does
#thinking about them tonight#niko oneshot#oneshot game#my art#edit: adding on tags ^^#i think this game can be so mysterious. I can sit there and go “wait wtf” and it’ll feel so interesting#it’s so melancholic yet hopeful#im mixed on solstice though#on one hand it kind of takes away the original ending#on the other it’s a wonderful conclusion and is great for those who wanted closure#agh this game tugs on my heart constantly#once I got to the city I think I started to like. get. what this game is about#which isn’t even a solid answer#I’ve come to interpreted it as about.#hope and the absence of it as well as loss and the hopelessness of losing something#ok I’m done (disintegrates#UM I was listening to ethel cain…. Put me in some kinda mood
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Drew a horse today
#(mlp theme song starts playing)#just a perfectly normal horse u guys#my art#Fiethis#I feel like it would be easier to just shapeshift ur hands into a general hoof shape + lose a few fingers#rather than constructing whole hooves#if u just need a quick gallop
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twelfth night is not a Shakespeare I have read or seen but now I’m a bit terrified of ever consuming it. I definitely would never touch that audio drama with a 10 foot pole though (so so tempting. I might give in)
i was normal about twelfth night and held many normal emotions about it i really liked it for being this fun very messy queer drama until i listened to david tennant malvolio which ruined my life i cannot stress enough all of my evil derangements are because of david tennant malvolio if he had not done any of that i would have been FINE
#YOU CAN HEARRRRR the heartbreak and desperation in dt malvolio's voice#you can picture his expression so clearly whem olivia says to him 'but out of question 'tis maria's hand'#the 'i'll be revenged on the whole pack of you' line reading made me lose my fucking MIND#i guess this is the biggest weakness of the audio drama is that im too busy like actively being upset over malvolio#to even feel anything about the haha funny everything all works out ending#twelfth night#ws#david tennant#when i read the play (esp 4.2) i pictured malvolio as being very very angry. still staying confident in the wake of#what's still happening around him. cuz it's like malvolio gave me a very 'i'm surrounded by fucking idiots' energy#and the only thing he has to rely on is his mind (which he takes a lot of pride in anyway).#also the play is a comedy and i feel like this is the only way for this scene to be actually funny#dt malvolio causes me evil derangements bc he is. the reverse of this lol#he is on the verge of tears throughout ALL of 4.2 his voice is all fucked up from screaming to be let out#when he says 'i am as well in my wits as any man in illyria' it's as much a desperate plea to feste as it is to himself#he's someone who once took pride in being the only sane one but now he's started to doubt himself n that's a whole other level#of horror for him. none of it is funny whatsoever. thank you david i love and hate you for this#idk how many other malvolios tend to give you the sense that he is straight up traumatized from being put in solitary but yeah
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i really hate saying this but going on a daily walk for your mental health actually does work
#there are a handful of reasons#chemically#why this makes sense#i'm just fucking stubborn#i went for a run with my fiancé wed and fri last week#and i've been going on daily walks since sunday#i feel so much better mentally ugh#and this is my hellish pre-period week too#where i usually lose my sanity#starting off good so far#health talk
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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one problem with felix is that I keep going 'oh you know what would be a completely logical consequence of the life circumstances he's experienced which are completely different than mine' where the answer is something I almost immediately recognize as being devastatingly relatable to myself
#AWFUL. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.#and then every time being like 'OKAY DAMN MAYBE NOT THIS THEN'#but on the other hand it MAKES SENSE AS COMING FROM WHATEVER BACKSTORY THING I WAS BUILDING IT OUT OF--#the thing about OCs in general is you can't help spilling yourself into them and it Feels Some Type Of Way every time I notice#but with felix it keeps happening upfront and I keep noticing immediately and going HEY STOP THAT.#[trait] or [feeling] or [preference] stems from a COMPLETELY different place for me!#why does taking wildly different paths from different starting points keep bringing me to the same horrifyingly telling destinations#or in the other direction-- 'oh I want him to have [trait] because that will be fun to roleplay and fits his concept'#'hmm I imagine a reason he might have [trait] would be [DEVASTATINGLY RELATABLE FEELING/ THOUGHT PROCESS]'#nooo oh my god that CAN'T be why. it can't be because of something directly inside of my me I have to think of something else#the thing is it's not JUST that it's devastating in the Too Real sense or devastating in the Too Revealing sense#or that it's embarrassing because it doesn't feel very creative#I also do!! want him to continue to be his own guy!! I don't WANT him to drift towards true self-insert#that kind of loses the shine for me a little :') it's better if he's-- like all my other OCs-- his own guy#whom I can also work through and/or project SOME!! stuff onto. SOME!! a normal dnd character amount!!! auughhh
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talking to a friend about getting back into art and i think the #1 most important piece of art advice i could ever get or give is just "figure out what is FUN to you"
like i think there is sooooo much emphasis on how to build SKILL in art but a lot of it really treats art like a job or like video game grinding, like it's this thankless job that you have to work at in order to reach a Threshold and i know it's not EASY to make yourself have fun but like
imo a solid 70% of the reason i create art is because the Act of Drawing is fun to me. it's fun problem-solving and planning and putting down lines and playing with colors and tools. it's fun to depict little scenes in my head or to create outfits or to find ways to fill the canvas. never forget that creating can be fun. sometimes it's hard and sometimes you have to battle through your own blockades to get there but the ultimate goal should always be to ENJOY it, to find what you enjoy doing and then do it forever. improvement will follow enjoyment.
i think especially with all the debate about ML image generation it's more important than ever to embrace FUN. if you're only focused on the end result it's so easy to get in your own head- to think about what doesn't look good or what skills you don't have yet or to compare yourself to other artists. but photography didn't kill the art of drawing and AI won't either because, simply put, there will always be people who want to do the physical act of making art because it's fun to do! using paints and markers, splashing colors around, doing shitty pen doodles, using the symmetry tool in your art program to do abstract mandalas that are just squiggles formed into patterns. do art like you're 5 and you've been handed markers to pass the time. do art like you're bored in class and you're keeping your brain entertained by drawing stick figure comics in the margins. do art like an absent thing, do art because it satisfies your brain. the goal is not to make something beautiful and perfect, the goal is to make something because your hands need to make and your body needs to make.
#i know and love so many people who have intense anxiety about their ability to create art and who are so hard on themselves about the result#and i think that's a REALLY easy thing to feel because creating is also vulnerable & physically difficult and there is SOOOO much to master#but i think for me the people who churn out 300 colored pencil front facing hands behind their backs oc doodles on lined notebook paper-#are the ones with the right idea. they're the ones i aspire to be like#i'm not saying i never struggle either bc tbh#as someone with depression and adhd there are times where the Act of Having Fun is simply not possible#sometimes i CAN'T enjoy things because my ability to feel joy is locked behind a barrier of my mental illness#so i don't think it's an Easy thing to do by far and I don't think you can just Magically Make Yourself Happy And Having Fun#but i DO think that experimenting in a low-stakes low-pressure manner until you find something that clicks in your brain helps#doing things for the sake of doing them is the only way to figure out which ones WILL be fun to you#not all of them will. some things will feel like a slog#but i think you have to look for the passion before you're able to face the slog#if you jump right into the parts that are Hard and Challenge Your Limits it's easy to spin your wheels and get stuck#but if you focus on the super small stakes and the things that are thoughtless and focused more on Sensation-#the sensory experience of mixing paint or the scratch of pencil on paper or the smooth way a specific pen makes lines-#then you can lose yourself in the physical aspect of it FIRST#and then once you've started really ENJOYING those sensations you can start learning new ways to use them#because now you have the drive to want to do more#now you have the desire to find new ways to apply this thing you like doing#long post#even longer tags#art#drawing#artists#art advice
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oh my god u rly are everyone you've ever loved !! for better or worse !! a part of you becomes them!
#i had a moment of lucidity idk im in this café the person i went on a few dates w is coming to see me i said come study w me#and they said okay immediately even though im a town over and i dont like them i really dont feel even a little attracted to them that way#but i did let them bite my neck a week ago and it still hurts i let them hold my hand i just#i never start anything#i let them kiss me. why do i do that? i dont feel anything towards them#and i told them ill probably never sleep with them and i thought thats enough but it really isnt is it#they write poetry about people they meet even once#theyre coming a whole town over to study w me but its not a date i feel nothing towards them romantically and i dont want to lose them as#a friend. this was her line of thinking wasnt it? i would take the train and meet her near her place in ldn and wed study together and#shed let me hold her and she would never initiate much and we were just studying together and it wasnt a date#like . fuck. i dont want to do what she djd to me to another person ever#their shared location map went offline at london bridge like ok theyre in the underground they are fr coming a whole town over#its a short distance but the point is i think i should have taken what my friend said more seriously . she told me i was kinda leading#them on bc what i thought to be just meetups dates might entail more for them#anyway im gonna be clear w them this time maybe#....IT JUST NEVER COMES UP IS THE THING#do i have to clarify even if it never comes up#i do in fact hear myself#ok#the parallels r lining up#aaa
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